Prologue: Stay

Prologue: Stay

 

                           Am I bad? Is that why I'm still here? I stayed didn't I? I've stayed now... how long has it been? At first it was hard. I needed to hunt and eat to survive. At some point that stopped mattering. My body got slow. My limbs got weak. I laid down to rest and never truly moved again. Still I waited. I was told to stay, so I stayed. My meat was consumed by the larger beasts, the smaller took what remained. I witnessed the pale parts buried in snow, defrosted, buried in snow, defrosted, countless times as even they were taken by the vegetation. Here I waited... I was told to stay. For what felt like an eternity I couldn't move anyway. I was just... here. Waiting. Staying. Fulfilling my obligation.

                           He told me to stay. He had never kept me waiting long. When he returned there was always meat and merriment. Meat and merriment. Those were the times I coveted. How long had it been since I tasted either? How long had it been since I moved? Not needing to eat was a plus, but it made this process madenning. Maddening was an interesting way to put it. When I lived and breathed, everything was simple. As time dragged on, I ironically became more conscious of... everything.

Sun rise. Sun set. Moon full. No moon. Fresh flowers. Falling leaves.

                           I have to learn to move again. He expects me to hunt and sniff and chase. I need to move. I cant look around... yet I see all around me. I can't sniff, yet I feel the life nearby. Animals, trees, bugs, something smaller. They all move. Why can't I? Was I not good? Was it because I left to eat and drink? I haven't left in what feels like an eternity. He never returned. I stayed. But I need to move. The smallest ones: They move - Wiggle. They float. Is that how I move?

Sunrise. Sunset. Full moon. New moon. Fresh snow. Baked earth.

                           Wiggle. Movement! It feels like glancing. I can sense more in one direction. Less in the other. I can no longer see my pale parts, but I feel them beneath me. Like an anchor they withhold my glance. How can I stay any longer? He must need me. The meat and merriment are gone. His scent has long since faded. My scent no longer exists. Scent! Earth. Grass. Life. Death. The sting of snow. The weight of dew. The burn of sun. The wilt of death. I smell it all! The smallest things wiggle. The bigger things spread. As above, so below. They are rooted to the ground too, yet they push through and make it their own. I feel myself spread as the years pass.

                           Years. That's what these are. The sun fades. The moon fades. The seasons fade. Decades. I've spread to become immense. I was only trying to move, yet now I feel the world move beneath my feet. Feet! For a moment I'm sure I felt the earth, but then it was gone. The smallest things notice me. The spreading things flock to me. The wise things fear me and warn eachother to stay away. Wise things! Not him, though. I hadn't realized there were more wise things here. I can't feel him or smell him. I need to move. Sun fades. Moon fades. How many times have we circled the hearth? I study them now; the wise things avoid me but they can't evade me. They hunt and eat too, but not near me. They crowd together in little rings and bark at eachother with meaning. They use those barks to warn eachother away from here. Still I catch them where I can see occasionally. That's how they do it!

                           Impulse to signal. Signal to chemical. Chemical to channel. A river becomes an ocean. Who knew that it took so much to STEP! Feet. No fur. Not four. Only 2. I studied the wise things too hard. Will he recognize me? Am I good? Meat and merriment!? The merriment... songs and tales. The meat... I smell it!

Impulse. Signal. Chemical. Channel. River. Ocean. Left foot forward.
Impulse. Signal. Chemical. Channel. River. Ocean. Right foot forward.
Ocean. Left. Ocean. Right.
Left, right, left, right.

                           Feet step. Hands sway. Eyes see. Ears hear. Nostrils smell. Tongue tastes. Skin feels.

                           My bare feet sink into the earth with every step. Those spreading below are pushed down but spring back up as I move on. The smell of meat is pouring out of the nearby ring of trees. Tiny particles of meat and wood which enter my nose and send the impulse to make my mouth water. The sounds of merriment are assailing me. So many wise things... some sing, some dance, some are making the complex sounds I've heard with meaning. All of them are the loudest things I've heard in decades. I reach out with my hand and push against the tree barrier.

                           The merriment ends as I stumble into their enclosure. I didn't mean to make their huge sticks crash down, but they seem more worried than angry. THEY! My eyes see people! My ears hear screams. My nostrils smell meat! My tongue tastes air. I let out the first sound I've made in centuries. A gasp? A whine? Its not the bold bark I remember. Surely he'll hear it and come running. I found the meat, now you find me! My skin feels cold. Not enough hair. The mankind whine back at me and surround me. Sit! That whine I know. I do my best. Left thigh, right thigh, down! More sounds from the humans. My thighs feel tree. Dead tree. They've been sitting on large cuts of dead trees. The corpses of the trees stayed here but they're not living anymore... these are only their pale parts. Am I... dead? Is he... dead? If so, there's no need to stay or move?

                           Eyes close. Body weak. Fade away. I can finally rest. Ocean drains. River runs dry. Chemicals dissipate. Signal fades. All that's left is the source of the impulse. ... Source!? Fuck!